Jane's Mental Health Source Page

One of the Web's Oldest Personal Mental Health Sites [Est. 1998]

No, You Do Not Excuse Mom’s Abuse

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This was my answer to a question on Quora, about a 17-year old girl whose mother has been physically, verbally, and emotionally abusing here since the age of 5. The question stated that the mother said either she never did these things, or she did these things because she was stressed. The 17-year old asked, “Should I just give her a pass?”

You should not give this parent a pass.

You should not excuse your mother’s abuse.

You should not “let it go” based on what your mother went through. Otherwise, you are saying that you are within your right to inflict abuse on your own child because of what YOU went through.

You should not condone being victimized because your parent is unable to process her own victimization; it is NOT OK for a mother to deal with being victimized by making her child a victim.

I feel sorry that your mother has been victimized by racism and bad luck, but my empathy ends when she becomes a perpetrator and victimizes her child (a dependent).

Melancholy by Ayhan Yildiz Your mother can deny all she wants: her psychology does not allow her to admit her abusing you, because to admit this means she has to say to herself, “I have chosen to deal with racism by abusing my own child, who is dependent on me and has little to no power over me. Hurting her is the only way I know how to deal with my own hurt.” This is not an easy reality to admit. But this is what has happened, and what continues to happen.

Unfortunately you have to live with this parent, and you are not yet able to support yourself. However, you may seriously consider making emancipating yourself a high priority. If you can avoid being around this parent too much, please do this.

Your #1 priority at this point is to keep yourself physically safe as well as emotionally safe from your mother’s abuse.

I don’t know how you can do this safely, because I don’t know how this parent behaves when confronted with resistance. I don’t know what she will do if you talk back, or even stop her hand when it strikes you. I don’t know what she can do if you run away from her punches… but your obligation to yourself is to do what you must to STAY SAFE AND SURVIVE. However that looks like. Including involving other trusted adult(s) or even the authority for help if necessary. You may seek out local domestic violence shelters if you are willing to do this, because you are in a domestic violence situation.

Remember that your depression and suicidal thoughts are very probably as a direct result of your treatment by the adult in your life who is SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU and show you just how worthy your life is, and how much you have the potential to contribute. When this adult is instead injuring you physically, psychologically, and emotionally — this causes you to wrongly believe that your life has very little value. This belief is WRONG.

Your life has value and you have a lot to contribute to society. You may not think that you matter, but this is because you have not yet met the person whose life you WILL change, whose world WILL be made better BECAUSE OF YOU.

Remember, keep yourself safe and protect yourself, for the sake of the good you will get to do in your lifetime.

Written by Jane

August 31st, 2015 at 7:42 am