You said, “The need to be loved is horrible.”

We all have a need to be loved. We literally cannot survive without it (scientific experiments with baby monkeys showed this). There is no shame in needing love, it’s part of being human.

Unfortunately – you were not born into a place where you can be loved. What you received was not love, it was abuse, and it wasn’t your fault. You were conditioned to blame yourself instead of getting angry with the people who abused you, so you punish yourself in different ways, including returning to your abusers. Human beings (especially those who are kind at heart and can’t bear to believe in the worst in people) do that too.

But this is why we can make choices. Sometimes we feel like we can’t – or we have no choice – but as long as we are conscious and physically or mentally/emotionally able to “move” we can choose. We can choose other people who can love us in a truthful way – who do not abuse us or hurt us and then guilt us into thinking that is love and we deserve hurt.

You said, “I have two sons for which I would die for.”

What about living for them? Because right now you are letting yourself die from the inside out, and you can’t let “abuse and abusers” win this war. Live for your children and live for yourself. Do everything in your power to take back your power, and the first step is to stop giving your power away to your abusers by letting them even get near you. This is the greatest gift you can give to your children, because they are watching you and learning if this is truly the way of the world. The chain of abuse breaks with you.

I’d strongly recommend that you contact a counselor and/or therapist. TODAY if you can. You’ve waited for 5 decades to break free, in 50 years is a long time to punish yourself in this prison. You do have a choice to walk away from this abuse completely and wholly, and I believe you can do it.

Thank you for writing and for sharing your sad story with me. I am sorry to hear of all the tragedies and atrocities that you have experienced in your past.

The guilt is very normal, many children who have been abused develop strong guilt. They feel guilty about thinking ill of the people who have mistreated or discarded them. I think part of your counseling journey will confront this guilt, and see whether this is a productive way to move forward. I personally have found that guilt has hardly helped me, except to make me feel bad about myself.

I know these memories still haunt you now, and they may follow you for many more years to come. Yet you survived. You didn’t “chicken out”. On the contrary, I see your choice to live as showing that you have tremendous courage. It is not easy to live through pain, knowing how it feels to live with pain. I think somehow, your higher self knew that you were born for a reason, and that you needed to remain alive because you are important.

We all serve a purpose, but not all of us become conscious or aware of this. Some of us simply don’t care what the purpose is, and treat our own lives and other people’s lives with no regard. You were dealt with a severe hand, and now you are strong enough to choose to lead the best life you can lead, in spite of what you have experienced in the past. It’s not going to be easy, and you’ll need to hang onto yourself, but I know you are the one who can do it.

Sincerely,
Jane

Thank you for sharing your story with me. From the multiple phone calls that oscillate between praising you and cutting you down, it does indeed sound like your mother is experiencing relapse, and you are at the brunt of her symptoms manifesting.

Understandably, you feel frustrated and feel as if you were an emotional wreck. One thing you may try – and this may be easier than spending energy defending your character to a loved one who is in an unrecognizable state of mind – is to simply agree with everything your mother said about you without having to believe this to be true. If she calls you a hero, agree with that, if she calls you a liar, agree with that. You can choose not to invest any emotional energy fighting it, because this is not a battle you can win.

Thank you for reminding others who know exactly how you feel to “hold your head up high and be strong.”

Jane

It is hare to handle because when things are good between us its great. And when she relapses its hard for me to keep in mind it is the disorder and not who she really is.

When I offer help or show concern that the medication isn’t working she becomes defensive and puts all the blame on me. She becomes irrational but at the same time will make sense which further confuses me.

I never considered myself a victim of emotional abuse ever until I started searching the internet for ways to deal with my situation. I lived with my mother up until Friday when I left because I couldn’t handle the stress. So far today she knows I am at work and has called me over 10 times between 7 am and 2 pm. Every other phone call is prasing me as a hero and a great daught who she adores and lookes upto and the phone calls in between are telling me how disobedient I am and telling me I am a liar and not trust worthy.

I have been an emotional wreck all day blaming myself for defending my character to my mother.

I am just so frustrated and didn’t realize there were so many different situation and so many other people that I didn’t know I could relate to.

I guess in the midst of my situation and depression I just wanted to say to anyone and everyone who reads this, to hold your head up high, Be strong, things usually get worse before they get better but be strong enough to strive for the better, I understand and God Bless!