If you have ambition, LIVE IT!!! Life has serious possibilities for you and if you want, send me an email and I’ll talk to you about it.
I did anyways, I was successful-even though toxic friends and family discouraged me. It does kind of get lonely at the top, but that’s when you’re going to be able to help others through it.

I’m so much better for facing my fears. You ARE going to be better off in the long run, God has better plan for you.

It really helps and am very grateful to see that you understand, this site is very helpful.

I’ve also noticed also a thing that she is doing is, sometimes if i brush off her inappropriate comment with common sense, she will still hit me with nasty word (it seems those are ‘prepared’ by her to be ‘unleashed’ regardless of appropriatenss) if you know what i’m saying. So it makes her look so out of control and stupid.

i can go on and on about stupid things i have to deal with, but yes i learn to brush them off and not take to heart. i’m in my late 20′s and i helped my family with our new house so i am starting out towards my own house soon. i look forward to moving away and having a life physically away from my parents, i think that way it is healthier for me and can still maintain my relationship with them.

Also the very last time i had a proper discussion with mum about how i feel, being very much part of her plan and how i think things were unfair on me, after a very long discussion, i had little understanding or emotional support, or her acknowledge her part. She walked off half way into the conversation like ‘it was too much’ because i was showing how i had not gained the support i required, and in the end after my very long talk she says ‘u cant cut us off in your life ok…’ like she was ‘afraid’. it was verrry frustrating. You had no idea how frustrated i was. i was in no way saying i was gonna cut her off. Then the next day she was nice to me and talked a bit. But i didnt think she understood the core issue you know. She talks about everything else like it was okay..

And last time i wanted to move out she says ‘everything here is not yours so you not to take anything if you go’.. I feel everything i do in life is hit back with words for EFFECT rather than a mature conversation that helps to communicate. and last time i did ran away she tried to stop me by standing infront of my car & that i had to ran over her to get out, well she didnt stop me.. but i believe now if i moved out when im ready she won’t be like this.

thank you once again for helping me! i wish you all the best!

In my teens, like many people in the comments, I always thought it was a racial thing – a Chinese family raising style. Well, it wasn’t. None of the other kids in my community were raised like that. I’ve met a lot of Chinese families that were loving. My brother was never emotionally abused – just me.

She used to say things like “you should’ve been abortioned”, “you’re a mistake”, “you’re stupid”, “you’re just here to be my pension” over and over, almost daily – and then be nice 5 minutes later. Everything I did was a failure to her; if my brother did the same thing, he was treated like a god. Like I said, in my teens, I didn’t know I was being emotionally abused. I thought I had done something wrong and it was annoyed her.

She’d humiliate me in front of her and my friends, throw out my schoolwork, ransack my belongings. Everything i said and did was met with negative criticism. Over the years, I learned to be assertive and answer back, only for her to go into some self-centred emotional drama thing like some screaming banshee girl. And I would be accused of starting the trouble!

However – 5 months ago, I learned about emotional abuse. All the symptons fit. All her behaviour fit. In a way, it was the most empowering find of my life – a relief, because truly it meant there was nothing wrong with me after all. It was about her behaviour.

I went onto confront her last November – to get accountability from her, to get issues out in the open – and my mum did not feel sorry at all. She didn’t care. She felt it was all justified. Initially my dad supported me and tried to peace make – but my dad has a violent temper (which he used to take on me as a kid). And just two weeks ago he violently attacked me (tried to put my head through a window) and said he’d stand by her, no matter what.

Yeah, it’s hard for me.

I have no emotional support from anyone as I go through this. Haven’t had any for almost 4 years. None of my friends return my calls. I have perfectionism problems and feel it’s too late to live my life now – because all my early life has been stolen by my mother’s ugliness. I met all the wrong people, had toxic lovers, did mediocre jobs when inside I knew I was destined for something more – and the dream job I’ve always felt I wanted to do now feels too late to do.

I feel so down about things now I’m thinking about killing myself. I’ve been reading about suicide techniques all night and the best way to do it. I hate what my life has become – and yet I did nothing to my mum for it to be this way. I hate my life, even though I know there’s so much untapped potential within. But I can’t get to it. I’m SO angry about what’s been done and yet what can anger do? You can’t get back the years, you can’t force people to take responsibility. I feel so angry some days I could hit her – but what does that accomplish? This scares me too, ‘cos I’m not a violent person.

I didn’t deserve to be abused. I did nothing to her to be treated this way for more than 20 years of my life.

That’s why the suicidal thinking. Because what’s the point anyway – without emotional support, without best friends, without anyone to believe in you, it’s too late to live life the way you want ‘cos everyone else has decades on you. I can’t get back the years.

What’s the point of living anymore? There is no point.

I’ve thought about writing something for readers who have experienced this type of pain, but to be honest I’m not sure what I’d be writing. I’m sure I don’t want to write a “self help book.” I’m not interested in perpetuating pain or bitterness or anger — I don’t like feeling miserable and don’t want a book that heightens people’s emotions toward anger and misery and blaming.

At one point I had an idea of writing a collection of letters for readers who have posted their stories here. I’d take on the perspective of their parents, and write them letters that may bring some peace or healing to these children’s hearts. I’ve been the recipient of such a “healing letter” many years ago, and I loved the feeling of peace I felt even when I knew the letter wasn’t written by my mother.

Thank you for your gratitude and kudos

You said, “And because I’m only half and a female, I realize that anything I say or do won’t mean much to her because my half race doesn’t mean much to her culture.” — I always thought “hapas” are the best of both worlds, not half of each!

I suppose it is a matter of perspective, and we have the right to choose our own perspective.

I have no idea what Asian parents can use as therapy (other than alcohol or drugs or shopping, which I think are really bad forms of therapy that happen to be very popular forms of self-medicating.) Church may not be constructive if you congregate with people who seem to feed into the same pathos and who gossip about each other (see previous post from a reader whose parents sat in different pews from her boyfriend because people talk about them at church.)

I’m not sure there is a solution… every family is different and every family dysfunction may be different even if at face value there appears to be some common threads of pride and cultural conditioning underlining them.

If you take what you are describing and substitute your mum for “a person” then you would be describing a classical cycle of domestic violence.

In other words, your mum is the abuser. You are the abused, and the victim.

It is entirely possible that she has been a victim at one point in her life, and for that I feel very sorry for her. However, she has become the perpetrator, and we need to deal with the situation where she is the abuser because this is your reality.

I’d recommend that you look through my past responses to situations where the abuser is gaining power from abusing the victim. The correct response is never to argue (that argument feeds into their power) or resist (that resistance feeds into their power.)

Instead, you can assume a neutral facial expression (any appearance of sadness, anger, guilt, frustration, pity, or helplessness feeds into their power.)

Pretend someone has come to you with a leaf and said “a leaf” — you’d have a relatively neutral facial expression because there is nothing really to react to. Practice this neutral facial expression until you are able to put it on at will. You will say “a leaf” in a neutral tone. Practical this neutral tone until you are able to call it at will.

The next time mum acts out, put on the neutral facial expression. Call upon your neutral tone and say “you sound upset. I feel sorry for your upset.” Then you let mum continue without responding with anything other than “I feel sorry for your upset” or whatever statement you feel comfortable with that is short & to the point. Anything different or longer will feed into her power struggle.

Once you are able to live independently, I suggest that you leave this abusive cycle until she no longer feeds off the power of victimizing others (while at the same time feels herself as the victim.)

“I know many people say that it is a choice that I choose to let their ways bother me, but I feel like it is so hard to let it go. It’s like asking a smoker to quit, but worse. I just don’t know what to do. ”

I think you have accurately described why we appear to be a glutton for punishment: it’s not that we choose this, but that we don’t know what replacement choices we have if we don’t choose this.

For example, people who want to quit smoking have gum, patches, fake cigarettes. People who want to quit being emotionally manipulated have ______ ? (replacement parents? emotional approval patches? fake unconditional love?)

Here are some things that you may want to consider, however:

“My dad has made a lot of poor choices financially (which guilt me deeply.” — why? Were you standing over him telling him what financial choices he should make?

I bet not.

If you were not your father’s financial adviser, then don’t take on the burden of the consequences. Let him take on that burden: HE CHOSE IT. If you take on his burden, then you’ve chosen it. If you don’t like your choice, change your mind and say to yourself, “I give my father the right to make his own choices and suffer his own consequences. I love my father enough to allow him to bear his own responsibilities.”

“Plus, he still uses his heart attack 2 years ago as a threat” — threaten you for what, and how? Chances are, he is making you frightened that he will die any time.

So what you can do is to start living as if he had already suffered another heart attack. I know it sounds callous (Yep, so many parents are cursing me right now, I can hear them in my mind), but the most appropriate (logical) response to someone who appears to want to have another heart attack is to live as if he already has one and is no longer around to make more threats of a heart attack.

You can say, “… And I’ll feel very sad when you’re gone” every time he threatens you, and say this exact same response every single time (do not alter the statement once you’ve chosen the statement you want to say. Keep it exactly the same or you will feed into his drama.)

Is there a reason why you’d go to the same church as your parents? Start going to a different church. This way you won’t have to face this problem.

That is how you put your foot down, you start going to a different church where people care more about GOD’S OPINION OF THEIR BEHAVIOR as opposed to OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINION OF THEIR BEHAVIOR.

When will Dr. Chin be writing a book? Do you have a book already out? I can’t express my gratitude, kudos. This is way better than the junk that Amy Chiu came up with. Please keep doing this work, I nominate you for the Nobel Peace prize.

-SA

I just wanted to say that you’re an Earth Angel. Thank you for providing very badly needed GUIDANCE. We need this, and much more of it.

I’m only half Korean American with a caucasian military father from San Diego and I understand what an overwhelmingly burden Asian mothers can be. It’s incredibly hard to figure these strategies out when the manipulation techniques have this mental and emotional lock, grip and hold on you. Especially when you have to uphold face and accomplish things in the world outside of mom and her issues. Yes jobs and other people (ie. potential spouses, friends, etc. take priority in lives as well).

“Mother: You exclude me from your life, I bet you enjoy how I suffer!

You: I’m sorry that you feel this way. I don’t agree with you, but I can hear (or I can see) that you really believe this. What a sad situation this is.

Mother: You do this because you are still angry with me! You are taking it out on me!

You: I’ m sorry that you feel this way. I’m not angry with you or taking it out on you, but I can see that you really believe this. I don’t know what I can do to change this reality for you. This makes your life very hard.”

I think this is very invaluable advice. Although I was able to accomplish things on my own (without her help), she needs to know that she’s worthy. And because I’m only half and a female, I realize that anything I say or do won’t mean much to her because my half race doesn’t mean much to her culture. I personally cannot change her incentive motive and if I can protect myself until I can get out of here, that’s all I need. I wish her no harm, I wish that she can find herself.

I’ve heard it all before. The threats, the irrationality, the guilt trips, the manipulation and the libel against me. Yes I’m at the bottom of the totem pole in Korean culture which is why I live in the U.S. to begin with (with a foreign name so I can suffer discrimination here! Yay! Discrimination is fantastic.)

I dealt with my mother by moving out and had other invaluable lessons when the family moved back to our roots in California. But due to the economic downturn, I’ve been almost forced to deal with my mother. The other option was to end up homeless when the lack of opportunities would leave me penniless and less able to gain full time employment.

Because my dad was in the military, I lived on or near military bases while growing up. The only people who understood were other Earth angels who happened to be other “hapas”, or half foreigners as they call them in Hawaii.

Part of the trouble is the Asian parent who has to deal with a new culture, language, behavior and Western mentality when the Eastern mentality is harshly enforced in their world. Personally I believe that it takes an entire generation for the older immigrants to feel comfortable in Western Society because they want to see how it balances out. I’ve also dealt with my older relatives by being passive? Graciously and politely allowing them to sense my character for themselves and that worked. They know how people are and since I’m half and raised in the U.S. they expected me to be the typical narcissist and whatever my mother libeled me to them about.

And of course, growing up in the midwest nobody understood this. And my mother didn’t fully understand how the western mentality worked either which I feel is the basis of Asian parent insecurity in the Western world. Only in the last 5-10 years was she able to make her own friends, Caucasian friends (the midwest is all Caucasian, it’s only .03% Asian).

Yes we experienced racism, however A LOT of people I met in Ohio were positive and incredibly nice about experiencing our differences. And as time moved on, I noticed that these nice people were often the top performers, the smart, talented and confident people with healthy self esteem. I credit my friendship with these people for the fact that I was able to accomplish many things or anything in my life with the negativity imposed by my quite irrational mother. Your peers do influence you and if the situation comes to it, provide you with a place to live when your parents kick you out for having a boyfriend.

Children do not ask to be born. However, as my other hypocritical parent pointed out; “CHILDREN DESERVE TO BE BROUGHT INTO A GOOD HOME”. Yes we have strong family values, however the implementation of it has been way off. I strongly believe that parents owe their children unconditional love and support. Not money, but love, nourishment and support. Discipline is necessary but it’s not everything. Kids don’t already know everything, they need to be taught. And as someone who learned Japanese and Korean before I spoke English, it’s obvious that my parents kind of didn’t do their job with guidance in my youth. I had the burden of figuring it all out by myself. And yes, I tripped over my two feet many times.

My relatives are quite successful and influential. Unfortunately, the hypocrisy in the family rears it’s ugly head like a ferocious beast and the caste system in the family then revealed itself when the money flows in.

The trouble with this is that the negativity supercedes, interferes and blocks the lack of guidance and support that people need to get through life. It’s tough enough to be the new kid on the block, the “different one”, the minority. Discrimination is not limited to bullying on the playground. It becomes job, name, service and housing discrimination as well. I’ve learned how to overcome some of it without being a threat. I noticed that asian women tend to overqualify with an MBA in accounting and a CFA just to make sure they get any staff accounting job to fight discrimination.. And yes, it works and I’m proud of them. However, softening up to people and being nice and assertive is another way to get people to cool their fears of people unlike themselves. It’s just not as easy to do when your mother puts you down. Because in Western society and it’s imperfections, you have to have self esteem.

I strongly believe that Asian parents beat their children, mentally and physically because they lack the insight to guide them through life. And this is a problem. Kids do not already know everything. Confidence and self esteem comes with the ability to accomplish something for yourself. Yes I encourage women to do sports if they want to get into business later in life because even in western culture, women do not think that we need to feel confident and in control of our performance and outcome to break the glass ceiling. I know a few very talented women who broke the glass ceiling through hard work and brains. They’re not manipulative, they’re not insecure- they are confident because they have abilities. The results speak for themselves.

However the discipline I’ve learned was through my coaches. Not from my mother. My Dad made this wise decision.

But when you beat, manipulate and degrade your children like POW’s and hardened criminals; no “I love you”s will erase the psychological damage because actions speak louder than words. This goes along with the process of discipline, which is really the act of correcting behavior.
What is the point of the beatings? To get attention? Okay. To discourage the bad behavior. But if you’re not given room or guidance to do the right thing, then you’re just subject to the adverse result which leads to further negativity.

Which unfortunately happens to a lot of Asian children, at least from what I’ve seen in troubled relationships. So therefore, the discipline altogether was a waste of energy, emotions, effort, etc.

My mother laid a very severe guilt trip to me. Yes she has her own caste system in her head, her inconsistencies make it obvious. She has beaten and threatened to kick my sister out of the house in the 2nd grade. Why? Because my little sister got in trouble during swim practice for talking.

As an adult, when I moved to California; I was able to watch the interactions of Asians from the Peanut Gallery this time. And it all came together.

Something has to be done to help the Asian parents cope with immigration and how to interface with Western Culture-how to balance things out. They feel alone because this isn’t their world. Americans thrive on individuality and youth, Eastern culture thrives on being part of the whole and ageism. It’s not fair that these demands be made of the Asian children (young and adults) when we were never taught these things in America. Like I said before, I grew up in the Midwest with a .03% non-black minority rate. And most of the “minorities” were half-not full Asians. There were not even any Latinos at that school, that’s how homogenized it was. Because of that, there’s no way I could be fluent in my mothers’ culture or language.

Maybe the Asian parents can use Church meetings as therapy? Anything constructive. The problem is not the availability, the problem is that asian parents are too proud to admit that they need guidance. Nobody already knows everything and I’m incredibly surprised at the arrogance to admit that they don’t feel comfortable with the deep dynamics between mentalities. IT’s not the children’s responsibility to balance it out for them.

It’s just a suggestion.