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Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

Should Children Fear Their Parents

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Children learn to fear their parents. Fear is the fastest way to compliance.

If you want the fastest, the most immediate, the most mind-searing method to compliance with the least amount of mental and emotional effort, fear gets you there.

Children are weak. Fear works immediately to make them do – or stop – something. You don’t need to bother with explaining or reasoning or teaching. Fear will teach boundaries where words cannot.

Children are small. Fear comes naturally when they see towering adults who can inflict pain — real, anticipated, and/or imagined. Fear will shut down questions where patience cannot.

Fear of rejection, fear of physical punishment, fear of abandonment, fear of emotional torture. There are so many types of fear to choose from… parents opting fear to seal their relationships with children can — and do combine these means of fear to achieve their goals.

When you use fear as your weapon of choice, you inflict no visible wounds, so your actions cannot be seen or judged by others. You do not have to beat your children, you can emotionally torture children. Threaten abandonment or throw away their most prized possessions… break it in front of them and make them pick it up with their bare hands and make them throw the pieces in the trash. See if next time they dare to dissent or rebel.

As the children grow older, they learn to inflict fear upon themselves. Parents don’t even have to keep inflicting fear at this point, fear is on cruise control.

broken ice by girinath gopinath

broken ice by girinath gopinath


Children who have internalized this fear may show severe anxiety or stress or self-harming behaviors. Children who have externalized this fear “act out”, rebel, bully, and otherwise pour their fear outward.

They learn to hide their failures to protect themselves from more fear.

They learn to cheat and lie to keep up the facade in their life of fear.

They learn to cut or medicate themselves, big pain to counter bigger pain.

Some of them return this fear to their parents. Others pick smaller, weaker targets. After all, they have learned this from their parents, bullies whom they can’t help but love and loathe.

Some of them so hate themselves, they feel as if they have no choice but to extinguish themselves from life.

There are some who escape this fear and they become aware of what has happened to them. Maybe they spend the rest of their lives healing and learning how to be healthy again.

There are some who have not known this kind of fear but came to love a person who survived this fear. Maybe they get to taste this fear as adults.

Maybe new children are brought into this world and maybe the cycle continues.

I won’t argue why children “should” or “shouldn’t” fear their parents. Living things fear what is physically bigger and appear more powerful than them. Fear comes with us as a survival mechanism, to keep us alive.

If you stuck through this imaginary horror show, you may see that I took a different approach to this question: possible outcomes when fear seals the fate between a parent and a child.

Parents decide whether these outcomes are worth the quickness of compliance or silence from rebellion that fear guarantees.

The alternative is so much more work.

Endless patience.

Constant self-doubt and questioning. “Could I have handled this a different way?”

And a parent’s intense “self-work” and in many cases, healing from past harms of fear, facing our personal demons, all in order to become a good steward of the physical and emotional well-being of small humans we have brought through life.

No, You Do Not Excuse Mom’s Abuse

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This was my answer to a question on Quora, about a 17-year old girl whose mother has been physically, verbally, and emotionally abusing here since the age of 5. The question stated that the mother said either she never did these things, or she did these things because she was stressed. The 17-year old asked, “Should I just give her a pass?”

You should not give this parent a pass.

You should not excuse your mother’s abuse.

You should not “let it go” based on what your mother went through. Otherwise, you are saying that you are within your right to inflict abuse on your own child because of what YOU went through.

You should not condone being victimized because your parent is unable to process her own victimization; it is NOT OK for a mother to deal with being victimized by making her child a victim.

I feel sorry that your mother has been victimized by racism and bad luck, but my empathy ends when she becomes a perpetrator and victimizes her child (a dependent).

Melancholy by Ayhan Yildiz Your mother can deny all she wants: her psychology does not allow her to admit her abusing you, because to admit this means she has to say to herself, “I have chosen to deal with racism by abusing my own child, who is dependent on me and has little to no power over me. Hurting her is the only way I know how to deal with my own hurt.” This is not an easy reality to admit. But this is what has happened, and what continues to happen.

Unfortunately you have to live with this parent, and you are not yet able to support yourself. However, you may seriously consider making emancipating yourself a high priority. If you can avoid being around this parent too much, please do this.

Your #1 priority at this point is to keep yourself physically safe as well as emotionally safe from your mother’s abuse.

I don’t know how you can do this safely, because I don’t know how this parent behaves when confronted with resistance. I don’t know what she will do if you talk back, or even stop her hand when it strikes you. I don’t know what she can do if you run away from her punches… but your obligation to yourself is to do what you must to STAY SAFE AND SURVIVE. However that looks like. Including involving other trusted adult(s) or even the authority for help if necessary. You may seek out local domestic violence shelters if you are willing to do this, because you are in a domestic violence situation.

Remember that your depression and suicidal thoughts are very probably as a direct result of your treatment by the adult in your life who is SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU and show you just how worthy your life is, and how much you have the potential to contribute. When this adult is instead injuring you physically, psychologically, and emotionally — this causes you to wrongly believe that your life has very little value. This belief is WRONG.

Your life has value and you have a lot to contribute to society. You may not think that you matter, but this is because you have not yet met the person whose life you WILL change, whose world WILL be made better BECAUSE OF YOU.

Remember, keep yourself safe and protect yourself, for the sake of the good you will get to do in your lifetime.

Written by Jane

August 31st, 2015 at 7:42 am

We Need Inclusive Models of Disabilities — Medical, Social, Psychological

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catchingadarkness Every time I start thinking about a social model of neurological disability and discounting the relevance of a medical model of neurological disability, I will remember Jessica Dolin.

“Catching a darkness” has been one of my favorite bipolar disorder personal websites. I first visited in 1998 when I started my personal “homepage” on depression and bipolar disorder.

The haunting images captured by the Jessica’s brother is more telling of the suffering endured by patients with bipolar disorder than any amount of scientific papers I can read. Every couple of years, I’d visit the site; I’d be encouraged about updates of Jessica doing well. Then Jessica committed suicide on May 14, 2003. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jane Chin

May 15th, 2013 at 8:58 am

Posted in Suicide

To This Day by Shane Koyczan

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When a Parent Commits Suicide

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This was very moving and poignant.

Excerpt:

I wish she were around to teach me how to be a person, but luckily, she had taught me how to do so my entire life: by going out and experiencing, trying everything, making and loving close confidants. My friends and their families have adopted me into their lives, which really truly helps pick up the slack. I love my mom and I’m trying to honor her memory by being a good person, helping those around me, and hopefully by doing something amazing with my life, something that changes the entire world. I love everyone who has helped me along the way. I’m no longer angry at her, because I know her life was very difficult, and while my own is still really hard sometimes, I can also see my awesome opportunities.

Read it on Quora

Written by Jane Chin

June 6th, 2012 at 1:45 pm