Comments on: Asian Students, Depression, and Suicide: Begin with the Parents! http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents One of the Web's Oldest Personal Mental Health Sites [Est. 1998] Fri, 18 May 2012 01:44:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Jane Chin, Ph.D. http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-177306 Jane Chin, Ph.D. Sun, 19 Feb 2012 00:09:50 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-177306 There are many Asian parents who do not treat their children like that, just as there are Caucasian parents who abuse their children. For example, the popular "tiger mom" book resonated with many children brought up in Jewish families and they are familiar with the whole guilt trip/emotional manipulation that their parents subject them to. I think it's more a matter of the parents' assuming that a rigid way of forcing compliance is the only way to gain compliance or excellence from their children, which I disagree with. There are many Asian parents who do not treat their children like that, just as there are Caucasian parents who abuse their children. For example, the popular “tiger mom” book resonated with many children brought up in Jewish families and they are familiar with the whole guilt trip/emotional manipulation that their parents subject them to. I think it’s more a matter of the parents’ assuming that a rigid way of forcing compliance is the only way to gain compliance or excellence from their children, which I disagree with.

]]> By: db http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-177298 db Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:52:05 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-177298 I am a American of European decent and have lived in a American Chinatown for over three years now. The behavior of Asians in general and Asian-Americans is very disturbing to me. The Chinese will hit their children in public. The Japanese will throw insults and look down upon everyone else. The Filipinos are universally known for committing welfare fraud. Point I'm making is none of this stuff leaves when these people emigrate and cross the border. To me it's very upsetting because Western values and culture is not based on Asian morality and all of the outfall as seen by this article. Honesty although this may sound racist I wish they never came here at all. I am a American of European decent and have lived in a American Chinatown for over three years now. The behavior of Asians in general and Asian-Americans is very disturbing to me. The Chinese will hit their children in public. The Japanese will throw insults and look down upon everyone else. The Filipinos are universally known for committing welfare fraud. Point I’m making is none of this stuff leaves when these people emigrate and cross the border. To me it’s very upsetting because Western values and culture is not based on Asian morality and all of the outfall as seen by this article. Honesty although this may sound racist I wish they never came here at all.

]]> By: Jane Chin, Ph.D. http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-176912 Jane Chin, Ph.D. Fri, 01 Jul 2011 23:39:17 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-176912 Thank you, Mike! Thank you, Mike!

]]> By: Mike Avila http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-176911 Mike Avila Fri, 01 Jul 2011 20:13:55 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-176911 It was always the size of your heart that impressed me most Jane. It was always the size of your heart that impressed me most Jane.

]]> By: Jane Chin, Ph.D. http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-175711 Jane Chin, Ph.D. Wed, 26 Jan 2011 17:42:17 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-175711 Hi J, I am sorry to hear that you have this experience. I've had Indian-born friends (not American but European) and they relay similar stories with their parents. I'm glad to know that you are taking action that can help you reclaim the kind of life and quality of life you want for yourself. What I've found helpful is to surround myself with people who appreciate me for my non-achievement oriented traits (people who like that I'm quirky, funny-weird, etc.); it was helpful for me to get a different perspective about my self and self worth outside of how I was conditioned to view myself. Hi J, I am sorry to hear that you have this experience. I’ve had Indian-born friends (not American but European) and they relay similar stories with their parents. I’m glad to know that you are taking action that can help you reclaim the kind of life and quality of life you want for yourself. What I’ve found helpful is to surround myself with people who appreciate me for my non-achievement oriented traits (people who like that I’m quirky, funny-weird, etc.); it was helpful for me to get a different perspective about my self and self worth outside of how I was conditioned to view myself.

]]> By: J http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-175710 J Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:57:38 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-175710 Jane, thank you so much for this blog post! I am Indian-American and this completely resonated with me. The relentless pressure my parents put on me, and their continued disappointment with my career, lack of a husband and "rebellious attitude" cause them to constantly criticize me and try to make my decisions for me. It's sad, because I went to Ivys for both my degrees and have a great job. Those things won't make you happy in the end. And I have come to learn my parents will never be happy with whatever choices I make. While they say they behave this way because they want the best for me, their lack of support, love and kindness toward me has resulted in terrible self-esteem, major depression, attempted suicide as a teenager and unhealthy co-dependent relationships. It has taken me a decade in therapy to even begin to recover and to recognize their behavior as pyschological abuse. Thanks Jane! Jane, thank you so much for this blog post! I am Indian-American and this completely resonated with me. The relentless pressure my parents put on me, and their continued disappointment with my career, lack of a husband and “rebellious attitude” cause them to constantly criticize me and try to make my decisions for me. It’s sad, because I went to Ivys for both my degrees and have a great job. Those things won’t make you happy in the end. And I have come to learn my parents will never be happy with whatever choices I make. While they say they behave this way because they want the best for me, their lack of support, love and kindness toward me has resulted in terrible self-esteem, major depression, attempted suicide as a teenager and unhealthy co-dependent relationships. It has taken me a decade in therapy to even begin to recover and to recognize their behavior as pyschological abuse.

Thanks Jane!

]]> By: Jim http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-175667 Jim Wed, 12 Jan 2011 22:18:18 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-175667 Ha! That's funny about the LIKE button. I've yet to figure out what to do with the Facebook page my son set up for me. I spend so much time online in conjunction with teaching that I tend to minimize spending my "off-time" online (or more likely, I've just been to meek to take the plunge and figure it out once and for all). Cacti or succulents! Good call. I've seen a good number of cactus blooms, and they are incredibly seductive. Enticing and beautiful, full of life and color. Much to be said for warm weather plants. I talked to my step son this afternoon and will meet with him tomorrow evening. He's eager to find new ways to cope. I look forward to sharing some ideas with him. Thanks for the guidance. Ha! That’s funny about the LIKE button. I’ve yet to figure out what to do with the Facebook page my son set up for me. I spend so much time online in conjunction with teaching that I tend to minimize spending my “off-time” online (or more likely, I’ve just been to meek to take the plunge and figure it out once and for all).

Cacti or succulents! Good call. I’ve seen a good number of cactus blooms, and they are incredibly seductive. Enticing and beautiful, full of life and color. Much to be said for warm weather plants.

I talked to my step son this afternoon and will meet with him tomorrow evening. He’s eager to find new ways to cope. I look forward to sharing some ideas with him. Thanks for the guidance.

]]> By: Jane Chin, Ph.D. http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-175666 Jane Chin, Ph.D. Wed, 12 Jan 2011 18:32:59 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-175666 I was looking for the "LIKE" button on your comment about rusting and then I realized, "wait... I'm not on Facebook!" I lived on all the snow belts; Syracuse, Ithaca, Buffalo. So I was plenty rusty. There are definitely people who are sturdy evergreens. I'm more of a warm weather plant. Or a cactus. Keep me posted on what happens with your son and thanks for "bringing balance to the force" for your child. I was looking for the “LIKE” button on your comment about rusting and then I realized, “wait… I’m not on Facebook!”

I lived on all the snow belts; Syracuse, Ithaca, Buffalo. So I was plenty rusty. There are definitely people who are sturdy evergreens. I’m more of a warm weather plant. Or a cactus.

Keep me posted on what happens with your son and thanks for “bringing balance to the force” for your child.

]]> By: Jim http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-175663 Jim Wed, 12 Jan 2011 18:05:15 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-175663 You know what, Jane? I see the wisdom in your suggestion. I'll take that tack with my boy. He's such a great kid.... As for Fingerlakes, one of my lawschoolmates (Syracuse) was from Seattle and complained that upstate NY was actually rainier than the Puget Sound area! He hated upstate. I can see how rusting, rather than tanning, can bother people. You know what, Jane? I see the wisdom in your suggestion. I’ll take that tack with my boy. He’s such a great kid….

As for Fingerlakes, one of my lawschoolmates (Syracuse) was from Seattle and complained that upstate NY was actually rainier than the Puget Sound area! He hated upstate. I can see how rusting, rather than tanning, can bother people.

]]> By: Jane Chin, Ph.D. http://chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents#comment-175660 Jane Chin, Ph.D. Wed, 12 Jan 2011 17:40:53 +0000 http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents/#comment-175660 Thank you, Jim! Fingerlakes are lovely. The snow is nice for maybe a few days. The constant lack of blazing sunshine for months on end was what "did me in", I think. I'm glad that your son has you to provide a "balancing" force in what he is receiving from your ex. I don't think you can soften her style, for the same reason why I don't believe people can "change other people". The most reliable approach you have is to work directly with your son and help him analyze the type of parenting he is receiving, and - very importantly - help him learn to dissociate his "self" from his "performance". In other words, "when mom tells you that you're worthless, she actually is saying that your performance should improve, not you are a worthless as a human being." You may want to help him with the analytical process by encouraging him to have this silent dialog when he is receiving Tiger parenting messages. <strong>Mother</strong>: What's wrong with you? Why are you so stupid? I'm ashamed of you, get out of my face, I can't even stand to look at you! <strong>Son</strong>: {after analyzing as you've guided him privately} I'm sorry you are disappointed in my test score, mom. I will work on what I got wrong by spending an extra 15 minutes on each section. The key is to help your son learn to decipher the ACTUAL and ACTIONABLE message that HE HAS CONTROL OVER. He cannot control her parenting methods, or how she feels, or how she has been parented. He can only describe the situation ("... you are disappointed"), correctly attribute the feeling ("... in my TEST SCORE"), and propose a solution that he has control over ("... I will work on .... by..."). As your son becomes practiced in this method, he may even be able to have a harmonious relationship with his mother by removing his sense of self worth from her insults, but still recognizing her feelings as valid for her. Thank you, Jim! Fingerlakes are lovely. The snow is nice for maybe a few days. The constant lack of blazing sunshine for months on end was what “did me in”, I think.

I’m glad that your son has you to provide a “balancing” force in what he is receiving from your ex. I don’t think you can soften her style, for the same reason why I don’t believe people can “change other people”. The most reliable approach you have is to work directly with your son and help him analyze the type of parenting he is receiving, and – very importantly – help him learn to dissociate his “self” from his “performance”.

In other words, “when mom tells you that you’re worthless, she actually is saying that your performance should improve, not you are a worthless as a human being.”

You may want to help him with the analytical process by encouraging him to have this silent dialog when he is receiving Tiger parenting messages.

Mother: What’s wrong with you? Why are you so stupid? I’m ashamed of you, get out of my face, I can’t even stand to look at you!

Son: {after analyzing as you’ve guided him privately} I’m sorry you are disappointed in my test score, mom. I will work on what I got wrong by spending an extra 15 minutes on each section.

The key is to help your son learn to decipher the ACTUAL and ACTIONABLE message that HE HAS CONTROL OVER. He cannot control her parenting methods, or how she feels, or how she has been parented. He can only describe the situation (“… you are disappointed”), correctly attribute the feeling (“… in my TEST SCORE”), and propose a solution that he has control over (“… I will work on …. by…”).

As your son becomes practiced in this method, he may even be able to have a harmonious relationship with his mother by removing his sense of self worth from her insults, but still recognizing her feelings as valid for her.

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