Contributed by Back to the Nest Staff Writer
Does the prospect of moving back in with the parents send a shiver down your spine? Do you get lightheaded thinking about a parental curfew even though you’re 34 years old? Do you really want to move back into your old bedroom where your collection of snow globes is still on display? Chances are, moving back in with the folks is the last thing you want to do. But what if you have no choice? Or, what if it’s a choice between the old bedroom and pitching a tent in the local state park?
Throughout history, children have often remained in the family home out of necessity. Each child was another worker around the old family homestead – a hay baler, pig tender, sheep sheerer or stall mucker. There was no stigma attached to living at home – it was expected. And, even after the child got married, husband and wife would often continue living as part of the extended family. If they were lucky, they got a second house on the family property for a little privacy. If not, they continued to live in the main house with no privacy. This was the norm for hundreds of years.
Fast forward to the new millennium. You’re a 28-year-old, up-and coming exec at an IT company. People take direction from you. You make million dollar decisions every day without batting an eye. You’re a big shot – a big shot whose wife just tossed you out of your home and you’re now living out of your office. It’s a nightmare scenario, that’s a fact, but it’s also not at all unusual.
However, even if you had the perfect childhood, and even if you’ve maintained a close, supportive relationship with your parents, once you’ve had a taste of independent living, moving back in with the family is a” less-than-perfect” solution for many adult children. Why?
1. Many children feel they will be a burden on the parents and will disrupt the plans of the parents. It’s tough to sell the house and move to Florida when ‘Junior’ is still living upstairs.
2. Today, there’s shame in moving back home. The move indicates a lack of success on the part of the child, an inability to make it on his or her own. Imagine: you’re at a party, you meet an attractive person and strike up a conversation about your successful career, your volunteer work and your love of puppy dogs. You’re obviously a successful, giving, compassionate human being. However, when the conversation turns to where you live, hmmmm, the picture changes dramatically when you say that you still live at home. That neon ‘Loser” sign on your forehead starts flashing and the conversation ends quickly.
3. Then there’s the question of self-esteem – your self-esteem. A successful adult, one who’s lived an independent life, bought the house, paid the bills, moved up the corporate ladder – will, no doubt, experience a lessening in self-esteem as soon as she moves back home. There are a number of reasons for this:
- Contemporary social mores tell us that adult children, living at home, are wimps, neer-do-wells, lazy, afraid and unable to handle their own problems. (Think Principal Seymour Skinner on The Simpsons.)
- The reaction of friends, coworkers and relatives will be sympathetic, suggesting that there’s something “wrong” with moving home. (Oh, sorry to hear about that, Bob.)
- The adult child, who may be going through a personal crisis, won’t be able to solve his/her problems on their own, admitting to themselves and to the world some of their personal limitations (weaknesses).
- Because the adult child is “right back where she started”, it becomes ever so clear that the child has failed to meet her objectives and expectations. No one likes to take a step backward and moving back home is a giant step backward in the eyes of any mature adult.
The potential loss of self-esteem when an adult moves back in with his parents simply can’t be overstated The loss of confidence, self-respect and a complete reshaping of the child’s self-image are common. Once a high-powered exec, now the ‘12-year-old little boy begin chastised for leaving dirty dishes in the sink’. If that doesn’t shake your confidence, nothing will.
So, when faced with the possibility of a move back home, what other options are available, if any? And, how can you make your stay short and sweet and get back on your feet?
- Ask a very good friend if you can crash at her place until you can find your own place. It may put a strain on even the best of friendships, but you’ll smooth things over once you move out.
- Check the classifieds for ‘roommates wanted’, but be careful, here. A couple of like-minded roomies may work well, but chances are you won’t be thrilled moving in with a bunch of college kids who have keg parties each weekend. Make sure of what you’re getting into before getting in to it.
- Is there another relative better suited to take you in? A favorite aunt with more room? A peer cousin who lives closer to work? Chances are you’ll be able to leave your emotional baggage at the door in this situation. Chances are, you won’t be able to do the same moving in with the parents.
- Can you afford to live in a motel suite? These suites come with a kitchen for cooking and maybe even a living room. And, yes, while it may be depressing as all get-out to be living with a bunch of depressed, recently-separated men and women, at least you won’t have to tell your mom when to expect you home each night.
But, what if these options aren’t available to you – no welcoming cousin, a two-hour commute from your new, shared home. What if you have to move back home? Is there anything you can do to keep a shred of you diminishing dignity? Sure there is.
Ask, don’t assume. Don’t just show up one day with you pet cats. Ask you parents if you can move back in. It shows respect.
Make the stay as short as possible. Start looking for your own place. Read the classifieds and network with friends and associates. Let the world know that you’re looking for your own place.
Pay rent, volunteer and keep your sunny disposition, even if you’re emotionally fragile. Don’t burden your parents with problems that you’ve handled in the past. Parents may want to be supportive, but if you can solve your own problems you’ll leave with your self-esteem in tact.
Take the parents out to dinner – frequently. They’ll enjoy the change and, at least for that evening, you’re the master of your own ship, the captain of your own fate because you’re paying.
Never make things harder on mom and dad. In fact, make them easier. Mow the lawn, fix the patio, make yourself useful so both you and your parents recognize the contributions you’re making.
Accept your limitations at the moment and recognize that these limitations are transitory. You moved back in because you lost your job to downsizing. Hard on the ego, hard on the self-esteem. But recognize that it wasn’t your fault, that you aren’t alone, that it wasn’t personal and that you’ll find another job ASAP. Stay positive throughout the experience.
If you’re feeling worthless, volunteer in your community. Nothing will make you feel better about yourself than selflessly helping others. Even better if you don’t make a big deal about it. Do it for your own self-esteem, not for the praise of others.
Stay busy, keep active. Go to the movies, jog around the neighborhood, meet friends for a nice dinner. The worst thing you can do is to move back home and close yourself off from the world.
Maintain your old routines. Routines provide stability and order in our daily lives and while we may complain about the ’same old same old’, we need routine in our lives for security. Yes, you may be living with your parents but that doesn’t mean you have to go back to eating Coco-Puffs again (unless, of course, you’ve always eaten Coco-Puffs.)
Do one thing every day that has the potential to change your living arrangements. Maybe it’s just looking at the classifieds. Maybe it’s calling about a roommate situation or visiting the local rental agent to start looking at possible apartments or condos that you may one day call home. By doing one thing each day, you’ll have taken 30, individual steps to regain your independence by the end of a month.
Plan ahead. If you know you’re moving into an apartment, start saving as much money as you can each week. Chances are, you’ll have to come up with at least the first and last month’s rent. You don’t want to find the perfect pied-et-terre only to come up short on cash (ugh, and have to ask your parents for a small loan.)
Join a support group. If you’re recently-separated, join a support group for recently-separated people. If you’ve just been laid off, join a support-group for that. It’ll give you the opportunity to express your feelings in a healthy, supportive environment and you’ll quickly discover that there are other people in your exact, same position.
Regardless of how difficult it may be, stay positive. Whatever your circumstances, this, too, shall pass.
The days when children stayed at home to help out on the farm are long gone and society’s view of adult children living at home has changed. But that doesn’t mean you’ve changed. You’re the same person, with the same strengths and talents that you had before you moved back in. The key is to stay focused on your strengths, mitigate your limitations and be pro-active, taking steps to improve your situation. Don’t give in to despair and depression (for long). Keep your identity and keep your sanity. It won’t be long before you’re back on track and back living in your own place, on your own schedule and living by your own rules and, after all, isn’t that your objective? If it isn’t, it sure should be.